Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts

Friday, October 26, 2012

Withdrawn... Isolated... Tired...

It isn't very often that my husband becomes concerned about me, but recently he was asking me about my blogging. I told him I haven't written anything in a while and he was concerned. It is not like me to not want to communicate, write, and process things openly. He has been telling me that I need to write a blog post and has even been trying to give me ideas, which slightly annoyed and confused me since he doesn't even read my writings. 

I have battled depression and anxiety since I was in high school. One of my first signs of slipping into it is when I become withdrawn... isolated.. and tired. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel depressed, but I do know that these are warning signs. The best way I have controlled my anxiety and depression is by being proactive. When I feel like isolating, I make myself get out. When I feel like sleeping all the time, I make myself wake up on a schedule. Things like this, along with recognizing my warning signs have made a huge difference. I can notice when I am slipping before I get in too deep. 

The last month has been filled with the mundane and the general life stressors. It has also been really good. 


  • We have to go to the pediatric cardiologist on Nov. 7th for Abbie to see if she may need surgery for her Pectoral Excavatum.
  • The family's allergies have been acting crazy.
  • Having trouble sleeping with hubby working nights.
  • Having trouble keeping girls quiet during days when hubby is sleeping.
  • Feeling inadequate as a homeschooling mom. 
  • Concerns for family members who are dealing with emotional and physical pain.
  • We were all sick with fevers for about a week.
  • Financial stresses and bill collectors.

  • Abbie is getting wonderful grades in school. 
  • We made it through first quarter of the school year. 
  • God has provided for all of our needs. 
  • Elizabeth did wonderfully on a developmental test.
  • The girls doctor listens to me and their meds for allergies have been amazing.
  • I have been cooking new recipes a lot more often. 
  • The hubby and I are about to get to spend some quality time together for the next two weekends.
  • Read a book about the life of George Muller and am moved at his faith in God and prayer life. 
  • God is teaching, molding, and growing me. 
  • Finding freedom from technology addiction... cutting out facebook games, cable, and limiting time with television. 
  • Have spent more quality time with my folks. 
  • Have been loving BSF... I am learning so much and connecting with my group. 
  • Husband went forward at church for alter call to say he wants to be Baptized. I have been wanting to tell everyone that he accepted Christ, but it wasn't mine to tell. Now that he has made a proclamation, I can share. Thank you all for prayers and encouragement. 
I am so thankful that while I might be feeling withdrawn, isolated, and tired... I have felt even closer to God. He has been the reason that I handle all the stressors. I am also thankful to have such a loving husband who knows me so well. Just as I wrote this I began to feel better. I want to write so much more. I have missed you all. 

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."- Psalm 34:4

Monday, October 1, 2012

"Have a New Husband by Friday"

I decided to take Abbie to the bookstore a little over a week ago, on Friday September 21st. I was in hope of finding some book series that I could get her to read that would spark a love of reading. I naturally do not have a love for reading but rather lothe it.  When I was growing up I had several issues with reading and never truly felt sucked into a book like I would hear other describe. The star wars book were a huge solution to my parents struggle to get my oldest brother to read. He founds something he connected with and had a passion for. I want that for Abbie. We picked her up a book about a mermaid. We have yet to start it due to the chapter books she has to read for school. I am hoping to get back into the rhythm of things at home. I also decided that it is important for her to see me reading more, if I want her to read. I love reading the Bible and get so much from it but if faking a passion for reading would help her it is worth it. It might also teach me more discipline. So I decided that I want to read one book a week. I know that this will be a struggle. I felt defeat as soon as I had said it out loud. I then realized that even if I don't make it through one book a week I still would have read more than if I didn't try at all. 

I wanted to do some good, appropriate, and constructive books. I decided I would review the book after I finished and tell you all how it went. like I had assumed I took me a little longer to finish the first book. It took me nine days.. but guess what? I finished it and I learned a lot. 

Pages: 212
First Impressions:When I first saw this book I have to admit it caught my eye. My marriage is in good condition and we have been building a healthier relationship, so I have no reason to buy this book. Then I saw the clearance sticker. Clearances always deserve a second look. As I flipped through the pages to skim the content, one of the chapter titles grabbed my attention. "Thing about What You Want to Say, Then Divide It by Ten." .... Wow.. hmm... so simple, yet is makes so much sense. I decided that this would be my first book. I had no misconceptions about this being a book that will change him, but would actually change me and my understanding of him.   I told my mom about the book and the author and she said that she used Dr. Leman's, "Making Your Children Mind Without Losing Yours", when she was raising me. She had gotten some great tips and advice that helped her understand me.Set Up:The book is set up into five days with multiple sections under each day. He puts little tips in the margins. There are sections with Q & A between some of his readers and himself. He has some letters from readers who show how things have changed for them. There is a quiz before hand and one after. He also has a to do list for each day. He uses a lot of person stories about his relationship between himself and his lovely wife. Review: I loved this book. Although it took me longer to read it than most, it was an easier read than most books are. He is very respectful to women through out the entire book, while he is honest about some of the negative affect that feminism has had. I completely agree with him on this stance. I find that while the feminist movement has helped women in the work force it has also been taken to a point where men are now being emasculated and disrespected. Men are given the impression that they are not needed anymore. He tells you the three things a man really wants from their wives. He explains the differences between men and women, from a mans view. I found his honestly about what a man thinks and feels as refreshingly honest and very different from what I had thought. Dr. Leman discusses what influences a man's mother had as a child and continues to have. He explains how to communicate, but more importantly, how not to communicate. Dr. Leman explains the importance of sex to a man compared to women. I would strongly recommend this book, not only to women who's marriage is struggling, but also to the woman who wants to be a better wife and understand her husband more. Outcome:I have seen a lot of change in my relationship. We started out with a good relationship and will finish with a great relationship. I have been respecting my mans masculinity much more. I have been practicing communicating with him better. My husband has been listening to me much more and has also been talking a lot more. He been showing a lot more love and appreciation for me. Today alone he walked into the living room after dinner and complimented me and my food. He has helped out with things around the home such as installing coat hanger and the baby gates. He has also been much more affectionate with me, giving me hugs and kisses. He even gave me a foot rub after I trying one of the tips in the book. All this change was because I am showing him the respect he deserves. I am showing him how needed he is in my life. Also, because he is fulfilled. What's next? The book I will be reviewing next is "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The 6 best things about being an adult

Mama’s Losin’ It
Since I was up anyway, I decided to write a prompt from Mama Kat's writer's workshop..

The 6 best things about being an adult...

1. Not having to wait and eat all my dinner before eating my dessert. I once sat with my daughter at the table for dinner and I began to eat my dessert. She told me that I was supposed to wait until after I finished all my food. I said, "No dear, You have to eat dinner first. I did my time." She continued to tell me how unfair life was so I told her, "It ends up fair in the end. When you are grown up and a mommy you can eat dessert while your kids eat their dinners." She was pleased with my explanation. 

I had told a friend of mine and she thought it was unfair of me to do this... I had to remind her of all the times the kids eat the lollipops, ice-cream, and other treats while we are left watching them. 

2. Messy room... While I try to keep the living room straightened, I say try because it seems to be impossible at times, I don't have to keep my room clean. I know my hubby would appreciate it so I am going to work on it, but my mommy and daddy are not going to come over and look at my room. If I have the rest of the house looking decent they don't even know the jungle that is my room. I have stacks of papers and "stuff" on the dressers that are like trees, I have a river of clothes stretching from one door to the next, and I have hills of crumpled blankets and sheets on the bed. Occasionally, I have two little monkeys swinging from my husband to me as we lay like rocks refusing to believe that it is 9am on a Saturday. 

3. Ok, so we are all adults on here... well at least I am. Thus the choice of this blog post. One thing I think it best about being an adult is sex. There I said it.... I am married and God created it to be something awesome between a husband and wife. I do find it funny that it is faux paux for  a wife and a mother to talk about sex publicly, while at the same time it is all over tv, magazines, and other sources of media. I just know that someone might become angry or think this is inappropriate but I think it so extremely appropriate. In a marriage sex is fun, relaxing, and builds intamacy... well at least for me it is. 

Lol... anyone remember this? 

4. Choices... As an adult I can make choices that I couldn't as a child. I can say no to an adult. I can decide to not play with someone who is mean or doesn't share. I can choose what to study, if I want to study. I can also choose to spend my money on toys instead of saving. Some choices might be better for me than others but I am the one making them. 

5. As an adult our bodies are still changing. We begin to get aches and pains from what seem like random things. We also get hormone rushes... but I am so so thankful that the hormonal changes and rushes of the teens is over. At least now I am able to recognize them as what they are. I don't know who had the bright idea to shove all the hormonal children together in classrooms, that is just a recipe for disaster. I know some very brave men and women who would not want to be anywhere near a  junior high or high school. Those were some of the most confusing and frustrating times of my life... there was way too much drama and I wasn't confident enough in myself to just ignore or stop talking to people. It don't want it to sound like I didn't like anyone and didn't have fun but at that time I had the emotions of a child, the hormones of a teen, and the body of an adult. Puberty sucks. Too bad it wasn't like in HSM... breaking out in song and dance would have at least been more entertaining. 

6. Having children. When I had my older daughter I was not an adult. According to the law I was but in maturity I was nowhere close. I was truly blessed that God helped me through and helped me to mature and become the woman I am today. I enjoy being a mother so much more now, as an adult, then I did then. I don't have as much anxiety about "screwing her up" as I did then. I am so blessed by my two beautiful daughters.

What are your favorite things about being an adult? 

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 24

Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

When i was a child my whole family dynamic was so different from now. I was extremely close to my dad. I hated my mom. I followed my brothers around and wanted to hang out with their friends. 

Now, my mom is one of my best friends. My dad and I are close but we are in that phase where he is going from just my dad to being more of a friend. I also barely see or speak to my brothers even though we all live within twenty minutes of each other. 

If speaking about my husband we are very much our roles as we were in childhood. He was the oldest son and I was the baby girl. Sometimes he will act like the older brother by not letting me play the video game and trying to do it for me. Then I will fall into my little sister personality and get mad. I will get very competative and when all else fails I will threaten to tell one of the moms. It happens so fast and so naturally that when we realize that we are acting that way it is almost funny. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Control... And My Lack Of...

As a woman I think one of the most difficult things to deal with is not a particular situation, but rather the lack of control in a situation. There is a small comfort in having control over things in my life. There is a false sense of stability. 

Things I like to have control over: My children, my household, my finances, my friendships, my vehicle, and my spouse. I have this irrational fear. I fear that once I lose control of one thing, everything else will fall apart. I often wonder if God allows certain things to happen in order to show me that He is in control. 

This may seem a little off subject but hang in with me and you will quickly see where I am going with this. 

I opened up the church bulletin and a disappointment set in. I saw that the sermon was focused on a woman's responsibilities in marriage. It may sound bad but to be honest, I didn't want to be convicted. I didn't want for anyone, including God to correct what I am currently doing as a spouse. What sounds even worse is that last week I was thrilled that my pastor was talking to the men about their responsibilities in marriage. You see, sometimes I even want to control who in my family is convicted and needs to change. God immediately began to work on my heart. I had a superior attitude that is the complete opposite of what God expects of me. Though I had heard the scriptures and had even studied them before God was working on me and teaching me something new. 

Before I begin to divulge, to you, what God taught me, I want to start by thanking my pastor, Pastor Stoney Shaw. He was so brave to stand up and speak the Word without holding back in fear of how some may react. Our culture has taught us that we don't need any man to tell us what to do or controlling us. I have been in many churches where either the subject of a wives duties is either shuffled under the rug or is taught by a fellow woman. I was so impressed that he stood at the pulpit and spoke the words. I also am so thankful that he offered me his sermon notes after I had told him how much I enjoyed the sermon and that I would be blogging on it. A pastors notes are very important and can be personal, so it was very kind of him to share them so that I can share more information with you, my close friends. 

Blue Highlighted words are directly from his outline... other writing is my take or opinion on it. 

Godly wives have many roles to fill as well. - This states "Godly wives" not all women. This is speaking to Christian women who are striving to become godly. It can not be expected of single females, non christians, or anyone who has not made the choice to be this way. 

1. A wife is to be a Helper and Companion to her husband. (Gen. 2:18-25; 1 Cor. 11:7-9). 
The pastor discussed how it was man's need for Eve. He was incomplete with out her. He needed a helper and companion and an equal. He said that it doesn't point to Eve's insufficiency but rather to Adam's inadequacy with out her. I found this idea interesting. I had never thought of it as woman being God's answer to mans needs. I know that if my hubby would be able to verbalize his need of me that I would feel of great worth. 

2. A wife is to Submit to her Husband's Authority. (Eph. 5:22,23; Col 3:18; 1 Pet. 3:1-6). 
A woman's subordinate role did not result after the Fall as a cultural, chauvinistic, corruption of God's perfect design; rather, God established her role as part of his original create (1 Tim. 2:13-14). Adam had violated his leadership told, followed Eve in her sin, and plunged the human race into sinfulness- all connected with violating God's planned roles for the sexes. (In submission we are not to do anything illegal or against God's will.) I had always assumed that a woman's role to submit to her husband was part of the punishment for the fall. How differently would I act if I had known that it is part of God's original plan for me? Do I rebel more against it when I feel it is forced. The pastor was explaining how submission is not a forced thing, but it is to be voluntary. It is a choice one makes in order to honor her husband and God. It can also be very difficult to let my husband lead. As my pastor said, we get tired of waiting for men to lead or we don't think they will do it right so we do it ourselves. I have been trying to work on this. I have to remind myself that it is more important for me to let him lead, in the long run, than it is to have something done the way I want it to be done. I have to let go of the control and let him be in control, knowing that God is ultimately in control. It can be scary to submit to someone who doesn't seem to be walking as closely to the Lord as you would want... but that is where faith comes in. In submitting to the husband and to God you are protected. God will bless and care for you. God will also be able to speak to your husband and encourage growth. 

3. A wife is to adorn herself with the inner beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit and with good works. (1 Pet. 3:4, 5; 1 Tim. 2:9, 10). 
A woman should work on her "countenance" so as to draw men's eyes to her face, her countenance! A woman's countenance is her face. We are to pull a man's eyes to our faces and not onto our bodies. It is important the we don't cause other men to stumble and sin. We are to dress modestly. We should not cause them to lust. I was also wondering if working on countenance would be considered smiling, because I don't think he meant to wear makeup. I noticed that people look at your face more when you are joyful. When you smile and have a light that shines outwardly.  
"Gentle is actually "meek and humble" and "quiet" describes the character of her action and reaction to her husband and life in general. This one hurt... I am in no way quiet in general.. but I think I am more controlled in having a gentle and quiet spirit with others. I find it easier to control my reactions to other things. Unfortunately, when it comes to my husband I do not show him the same kind of love and reaction. I often get easily offended. I feel that I have to prove myself right. 

4. A wife is to strive to be an Excellent wife through industry and integrity in the fear of the Lord (Prov. 31:10-31).  This reminds me of the verse that says we are to do all things to the glory of the Lord. If I took that attitude of doing things to bless my family, to honor God, and out of obedience maybe I wouldn't act like such a martyr for doing what is my responsibility in the first place. 

5. A wife is to see the Satisfaction of her husband Sexually(1 Cor. 7:2-5). 
We need to communicate with our spouse. We need to openly ask and tell them about the needs. As the pastor mentioned, there is so much lustful and immoral things in society. Sex is all around and yet we can't talk about it with our spouse, the one person we are supposed to talk to about it. 

Though I had learned so much from the sermon, the biggest thing God taught me wasn't part of the sermon and yet it was. God was speaking to my heart. He was telling me that I am not supposed to change my spouse. I am only supposed to focus on changing myself. Even though it is hard to give up the control... the changes, any changes, in my husbands heart is between him and God. I need to trust that God and give Him control, because the fact is I only have the amount of control that He allows me. He can take away all of my control in a moment. I don't need my safety blanket of control when I have God. 

Colossians 3:18 "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord."

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 22

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
This one is kinda tough for me. I am not sure how into it I will go. My life has never gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing, it is actually quite the opposite. For example, I am going to flip this around.

15 yrs ago I was 12. I remember feeling so proud to be a "preteen" and thinking I was so grown. I was sure that I would be a massage therapist. I wanted to also be a singer to raise money for my Special Education class. I had thought that I would be living back in Ohio. 
This was before I began having my chronic pains through out my body.

10 years ago I was 17. I had thought that I would have gone far away to college. I wanted to be a sign interpreter for a Christian school. I loved kids but had no direct interest in having any. I also didn't want any man to tell me what to do or to hold me down. 
This was before I met my now hubby and just two year prior to becoming pregnant. 

5 years ago I was separated for my hubby and was deeply considering a divorce. I had thought that I would be raising Abbie on my own. 
This was just six months before we got help and began to heal our relationship. 

I would have never guessed that I am where I am today. I learned to have small goals and large ones that God gives me but obviously I have to be flexible in my plans. In 5, 10, and 15 years I see myself still growing in my walk with the Lord. I see myself maybe having one more child, if God blesses me so. I pray to be actively involved in a ministry that reaches out to women and young ladies that experience things that I have experienced. 

Where do you see yourself? Are you on the same track as you had thought 5,10, or 15 years ago?