Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blog. Show all posts

Friday, October 26, 2012

Withdrawn... Isolated... Tired...

It isn't very often that my husband becomes concerned about me, but recently he was asking me about my blogging. I told him I haven't written anything in a while and he was concerned. It is not like me to not want to communicate, write, and process things openly. He has been telling me that I need to write a blog post and has even been trying to give me ideas, which slightly annoyed and confused me since he doesn't even read my writings. 

I have battled depression and anxiety since I was in high school. One of my first signs of slipping into it is when I become withdrawn... isolated.. and tired. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel depressed, but I do know that these are warning signs. The best way I have controlled my anxiety and depression is by being proactive. When I feel like isolating, I make myself get out. When I feel like sleeping all the time, I make myself wake up on a schedule. Things like this, along with recognizing my warning signs have made a huge difference. I can notice when I am slipping before I get in too deep. 

The last month has been filled with the mundane and the general life stressors. It has also been really good. 

Stresses: 

  • We have to go to the pediatric cardiologist on Nov. 7th for Abbie to see if she may need surgery for her Pectoral Excavatum.
  • The family's allergies have been acting crazy.
  • Having trouble sleeping with hubby working nights.
  • Having trouble keeping girls quiet during days when hubby is sleeping.
  • Feeling inadequate as a homeschooling mom. 
  • Concerns for family members who are dealing with emotional and physical pain.
  • We were all sick with fevers for about a week.
  • Financial stresses and bill collectors.


Blessings: 
  • Abbie is getting wonderful grades in school. 
  • We made it through first quarter of the school year. 
  • God has provided for all of our needs. 
  • Elizabeth did wonderfully on a developmental test.
  • The girls doctor listens to me and their meds for allergies have been amazing.
  • I have been cooking new recipes a lot more often. 
  • The hubby and I are about to get to spend some quality time together for the next two weekends.
  • Read a book about the life of George Muller and am moved at his faith in God and prayer life. 
  • God is teaching, molding, and growing me. 
  • Finding freedom from technology addiction... cutting out facebook games, cable, and limiting time with television. 
  • Have spent more quality time with my folks. 
  • Have been loving BSF... I am learning so much and connecting with my group. 
  • Husband went forward at church for alter call to say he wants to be Baptized. I have been wanting to tell everyone that he accepted Christ, but it wasn't mine to tell. Now that he has made a proclamation, I can share. Thank you all for prayers and encouragement. 
I am so thankful that while I might be feeling withdrawn, isolated, and tired... I have felt even closer to God. He has been the reason that I handle all the stressors. I am also thankful to have such a loving husband who knows me so well. Just as I wrote this I began to feel better. I want to write so much more. I have missed you all. 

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears."- Psalm 34:4

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Changes in life

╰☆╮First let me apologize in advance... I have recently found some new emoticons that I can use on here to add a little umph to my posts. Since this is the first time finding them I might over use them a bit... I guess this is an apology and a warning. They are really cute.

╰☆╮For those who know me, I have always struggled with organizing and cleaning. When I am faced with a mess I just stand staring at it feeling overwhelmed. I have a hard time doing anything because I can't figure out where to start. When I was a child I would be sent to my room to clean and several hours later I would get in trouble for having not finished anything. The other problem I have is focus. I can get really easily distracted sometimes. As I clean I end up looking at ever paper and getting sucked into a entirely different train of thought. I feel like the dogs on the movie "UP" who get side tracked every time they see a squirrel. 


Recently, I began reading and doing the whole Flylady thing. It has made a huge difference. Not only was I able to take baby steps to having a clean and organized home, now I am actually becoming an organized person. When things are out of place, I feel the need to straighten up real quickly. My husband, who is not good at the verbal encouragement, has been telling me how much he appreciates all of my efforts at home. He has even been bragging on me to others. I am so proud of my home and what it has become. One of the best helps has been a group of mommies on cafemom.com. The entire group is a Flybabies group. We encourage each other and we post daily our cleaning plans. I have found that by posting my to do list on Facebook, I have been better at accomplishing what I set out to do. Another great help has been praying before I start to clean. I pray that God will help me with my attitude and that I will have a heart to serve my family, not an attitude of being a martyr. Then I turn on my worship music and I accomplish what I set out to do.  

╰☆╮Homeschooling has been going amazing. We have gotten so much done and are having a great time. I am in no way knocking public or private school, but I know that for Abbie she is learning so much more each day that she would at her old school. She really thrives off of the one on one attention. It has also helped with her jealousy towards her sister. I love that I am able to teach Abbie about God. One of her World history books teaches her about different countries and areas and at the end of the section it tells us some great ways to pray for them. I will be writing about it more in my blog on it.

╰☆╮Now that I have gotten control of my home I need to get back on the wagon when it comes to my body. I am cooking much more at home and have been drinking the breakfast shakes. I want to go back to the gym on a regular basis. I went last night and I need to go more often. I have not gained any weight and have actually lost a pound while being off the wagon, but I need to refocus. Maybe I will take the girls for a walk to the park tomorrow. 

╰☆╮Speaking of getting back on the wagon, I have decided to get back on the wagon with cutting coupons and planning a menu. I wanted to get together with a group of ladies and go coupon diving at the local recycle bins. One great site for finding deals and coupons would have to be couponmom.com. It is a site that lists the best deals including all the coupons one needs to save the most money.  

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 30

So we have come down to the final day of the blog challenge and although I have begun the next challenge, I am still slightly sad that this is over. I can't believe that I actually did it though. I followed through and accomplished something. So for the final post on this blog challenge the question is pretty deep. 


List 5 things you would hope to be remembered for.


1. Being a godly woman. I just think it would be the most awesome thing to be remembered for. My daughters are the ones I really want to think of me in this way. 


2. Being completely real and honest with others. I don't want to be known for having secrets. I don't want all those skeletons to come falling out of my closet as they close the casket. I don't want people to see me as another quote on quote Christian. I want them to see me as someone who has fallen many times but has the grace of God covering all her flaws. 


3. As being a good friend. A real true friend who loves you just as you are, but also pushes you to be your best. Who understands what you need to make you smile and when you need to cry. I want to be a friend who is willing to sacrifice herself for others. 


4. I want to be remembered for being weak. I am in no way strong. I do not want to be remembered for being strong. I am not able to do it all on my own. Thankfully I have a God who is strong and is able to do it all. I want to be remembered as weak because I want my strength comes from the Lord. 


5. How much I would love for people to remember me as a person filled with peace and joy. One of those persons who you just feel at peace when you are around. A person that you can feel Gods abounding love flowing from their eyes. I wish I had more self-control and would not allow any ungodly words pass from my lips. To be remembered for only ever speaking the truth would be a powerful thing. 


Thank you so much for following me through this little journey into my mind. How blessed I am. 


What would you want to be remembered for? 

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Vlog Challenge: Biggest Turn-off(s)

I have several things that turn me off. But the two biggest ones would have to be my daughters. There is nothing like the fear that strikes when you hear little foot steps coming down the hallway or the guilt you feel upon hearing little cries for your attention while doing "laundry" (as my friend calls it). 







What are your biggest turn-offs? 

Friday, July 6, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 29/ Vlog Challenge

What made you start blogging? What do you think people misundertand most about you? 


So today I decided to combine both of these challenging questions because I think one answers the other. 







Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 28

What is your love language? 


I took the quiz. I didn't actually know what the five love languages were. I took a quiz to find out more. I was shocked at how well it encompasses me. My love languages ranging from the most to the least. 


Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Recieving Gifts 


I want my hubby to take the same quiz but I can guess what his top two would be. They are most likely Physical touch and Quality time. I am guessing these because those are the two things he often mentions. 


So what is acts of service? I would rather my hubby help me clean the house, offer to watch the girls, give me a massage, or cook dinner, than for him to buy me something or even watch a movie together. I feel loved through simple acts and effort. 


I think it is more important to know what the love language of your spouse is than to know your own. I make the effort to meet my spouses love language. I know that by just sitting next to him when he watches a movie he feels loved. He like for me to be physically close but not necessarily to communicate. 


Here is a widget to test your love language. 
Check it out and post back what your love language is. Were you surprised by it? What do you think your spouses love language is? 


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 27

What is your favorite part of your body and why?


Betty and Sally are sisters. They love to hang around. Sally gets really annoyed at all the attention that her sister gets, even though her sister is a little bigger than her. They both worked so hard to provide for Elizabeth but were replaced after just a few months. They refuse to be apart and are very social. I usually get embarrassed of their outgoing personalities and I try to keep them away from people. It seems at random times they pop up for a little visit, so I have them go home. Betty and Sally are sisters, and they are my favorite sisters.




What is your favorite part of you body?

Monday, July 2, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 26

What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?


I think that the world, consisting of people, assumes that it is all about them. They start to see things that are focused on what they need and feel they have a right to. What will make them happy. 


The fact is that nothing, but God, can fill the void in a person. No amount of food, sex, or drugs can make a person feel satisfied. I think that even as Christians, we can turn to things to fill the gaps instead of seeking closeness to God. 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 25

If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?


I have been thinking about the answer to this question for days. There are so many people I would want to have dinner with and all for such different reason. 


I would love to have dinner with my grandfather, who passed away seven years ago. I miss the stories he had and the great insight I did not know to appreciate at that time. 


I would love to have dinner with King David, the author of many of my favorite scriptures. I would love to see how he processed things. I would love to meet him and hear his story of God's love. 


After speaking to a friend of mine about my predicament, not being able to choose a person, she mentioned to me the person I would definitely choose. If I could have dinner with anyone in history I would eat with Martin Luther King, Jr. I am so thankful for him and all those who have fought for equality and peace. His dream can be seen in the smiles of my daughters. He fought so that we would not need to. It was because of him and so many other people, that my husband and I can share a love that crosses the racial boundaries. At the same time as he faced prejudices, he sought God's will and showed love. He is an amazing man. I would love to sit with  him and his family. I would love to take him to a fine dining restaurant where all of us are able to eat at the same place without the hatred he had faced so many years prior. To be there to see the joy in his eyes as he sees the changes that have come from the sacrifice of so many. 




Who would you have dinner with? What would you talk about?

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 22


Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
This one is kinda tough for me. I am not sure how into it I will go. My life has never gone the way I thought it would. This is not a bad thing, it is actually quite the opposite. For example, I am going to flip this around.

15 yrs ago I was 12. I remember feeling so proud to be a "preteen" and thinking I was so grown. I was sure that I would be a massage therapist. I wanted to also be a singer to raise money for my Special Education class. I had thought that I would be living back in Ohio. 
This was before I began having my chronic pains through out my body.

10 years ago I was 17. I had thought that I would have gone far away to college. I wanted to be a sign interpreter for a Christian school. I loved kids but had no direct interest in having any. I also didn't want any man to tell me what to do or to hold me down. 
This was before I met my now hubby and just two year prior to becoming pregnant. 

5 years ago I was separated for my hubby and was deeply considering a divorce. I had thought that I would be raising Abbie on my own. 
This was just six months before we got help and began to heal our relationship. 



I would have never guessed that I am where I am today. I learned to have small goals and large ones that God gives me but obviously I have to be flexible in my plans. In 5, 10, and 15 years I see myself still growing in my walk with the Lord. I see myself maybe having one more child, if God blesses me so. I pray to be actively involved in a ministry that reaches out to women and young ladies that experience things that I have experienced. 


Where do you see yourself? Are you on the same track as you had thought 5,10, or 15 years ago? 

Friday, June 22, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 21

If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?


I would choose healing touch. I think of how differently my life would be if I would have been able to heal myself of the chronic pains that began in sixth grade (I can't believe it has been 15 years) and of the athletic asthma. Would I have been more physically active? Would I have been a massage therapist? Would I have been able to do my daughters hair the way she wishes? Would I be in a better mood towards my family? So many questions. 


Who else would I heal? I would probably heal my children when they are hurt. But don't all mommies have that power already? 


Though I said that I would have chosen the power of healing, now thinking about it I wouldn't. God has used my struggles with health and has pulled me closer to Him. If having better health would mean sacrificing the closeness I have with the Lord, from trusting Him to help me with my daily struggles, I wouldn't want it. I know that God knows what He is doing and He deserves all the glory. I know that God is the healer. 






Psalm 103:1-5 


"Praise the Lordmy soul; 
    all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 
Praise the Lordmy soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins 
    and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion, 
who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s."


Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 


What superpower would you want to have? Why?

Monday, June 18, 2012

Daily Blog Challenge: Day 17 & Day 18

What is the thing you most wish you were great at?


I wish I was great at emotionally separating myself from situations when it comes to disciplining my children. I see my mom handle it with such grace, peace, love, and dignity. She is able to correct and discuss without becoming emotionally involved. She would spank us and not be angry at our actions. Maybe she was just better at hiding her frustrations, maybe we just pushed her to her breaking point, or maybe she just has this way of handling things. 




Sometimes I get angry, frustrated, tired, annoyed, and disappointed. I try to hide my feelings and handle things with grace but I know that sometime I can be transparent. 


Do you get angry or feel like you would lose your cool with your child? 


                                                                     
What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?


Wow, this one cuts deep doesn't it... If I told the most difficult thing I have ever had to forgive, it would end up hurting the person and if I purposely did that I wouldn't have really forgiven them, would I have? 


What I will say is that I was hurt by multiple people in one situation. It had rocked me to my core. What I can tell you is how I forgave. 


I had come to the end of myself. I was absolutely powerless over the situation. I had no strength in myself to fight or to flee. So, I turned it over to God. I prayed and I decided that until I knew what to do I would do as I knew Jesus would. What would Jesus do? 


If they were repentant He would forgive them. (a)
He would pray for them. (b)
He would love them in spite of their sin. (c)
He would have boundaries set.  (d)
He would turn all else to God. (e)
(matching scriptures at bottom)


So I made the conscience effort to do that. It was honestly one of the hardest things I have done on my Christian walk. I forgave them. I prayed for them. I loved them as fallen people. I made boundaries. I tried to show them love, while keeping my boundaries. I gave God control over my feelings of anger, depression, and grief. I faked it until I made it. My relationship with each person that hurt me has been healing. God has done some amazing things. He has brought freedom and victory. 


(a) Mark 11:25 "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”


(b) Matthew 5:44-45 " But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.


(c) Ephesians 5:25 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her"


(d) Mark 1:35 "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed."


(e)Luke 22:42  “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”


How are you at forgiving? Is there someone out there that you need to have more grace for? 

What a great way to show our thanks to God for the grace He gave us, by giving grace to others.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

My Father Always Said...

One of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop prompts was to share a lesson you learned from your Father that still sticks with you to this day.


As soon as I saw this I knew exactly what to post. My father used to always quote one particular poem. One year he gave me and siblings picture frames that contained the poem. I kept it on my dresser for years reading it repeatedly, and now I have it displayed in my home. 




He told me this combined with one other quote... "Everything's Negotiable." 

His words had a great impact on my life. I learned to expect the most out of myself. I expect the most out of jobs. I expect the most out of people. But I think the biggest example of it's impact is with my daughters. 

I set the bar high for my daughters. I expect them to work hard, to be obedient, and for them to be self-controlled. They have always exceeded my expectations. Of course, if they don't meet the bar I am still proud of them. I think as a society we lower the bar too often. 

He also has helped me out of so many situations. I realize more and more that not "everything is negotiable", but if you treat others with love and respect then many more things are. For example, if a student that turns in all their assignments on time, pays attention in class, and treats the teacher with respect would have an issue turning in an assignment, that student would be given more grace than a student who didn't turn in assignments on time, were distracted in class, and were rude to the teacher. Often it is about communicating your needs and expectations to others. 
Mama’s Losin’ It

Saturday, June 9, 2012

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 11


Describe 10 5 pet peeves you have:


1. The sound and feel of Styrofoam. I consider Styrofoam to be my Kryptonite. It makes this sound that gives me chills. 

2. Lies. I hate it when someone, especially my child lies to me. Most of the time I can tell that she is lying and I don't like people treating me like I am an idiot. I am also a pretty forgiving and loving person. I tell Abbie that she will get in much less trouble if she tells me the truth. I might still get mad but not nearly as much as when she lies. 

3. People who don't have phone etiquette. Talking on the phone in a public restroom or talking to me on the phone when they are in any bathroom. Children interrupting and trying to ask me things when I am on the phone. Opening and ending conversations without any greeting or warning. Answering the phone and texting while driving. Talking on their phone or texting when you are in the middle of a conversation with them. I don't have an issue with people answering a call if it is an emergency. Instead of phones being a great convenience and great communication tool, they are now holding people hostage. People are slaves to their phones. People expect you to answer calls and texts immediately and respond. I have found a great freedom in no longer having my own cell phone. I share with my hubby. I also mute it and will not answer if I don't feel like it. I am no longer a slave to my phone. 

4. Rude children. When I see a child talk back, become physical with their parent, or disrespect adults it stirs something up inside of me. I am usually pretty good at minding my own business, but occasionally I am known for correcting other people's children. Several of my friends know that I will boss around and correct their children. I think  it is so sad that we have become a country that cares so much about being politically correct. So many parents are concerned about emotionally harming their child, they give their children what they want, and they don't discipline their child. A child MUST respect adults, but adults are not required to respect a child. If the child earns the respect I will freely give it. My daughter is learning the difference between rights and privileges. Nice clothes, toys, and privacy are not rights. 




5. Hypocrites. In general, I am able to love and have grace for people. Unfortunately, I have a very difficult time in showing grace to hypocrites. God has been teaching me how to have grace, through Christs example with the Pharisees. I am learning that I can't have higher expectation of people who are "religious," because that does not mean they have accepted God's grace.

Proverbs 22:6 "Start children off on the way they should go, 
    and even when they are old they will not turn from it."

Proverbs 13:24 "Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them."

Hebrews 12:9-11 "Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Luke 11:39-41 "Then the Lord said to him, “Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? But now as for what is inside you—be generous to the poor, and everything will be clean for you."

Romans 3:23-26 " for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood —to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished — he did it to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus."

What are your pet peeves? How do you respond to others when they annoy you? Would you be offended if someone other than you corrected your child?

Friday, June 8, 2012

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 10

Describe your most embarrassing moment.

The year was 1994. I was in the third grade and feeling so grown. There sitting across the room was a cute and quiet boy named Adam. I had a secret crush on him for years. I would draw hearts around his yearbook page. 

One day during computer lab I was so elated to find out that the boy of my dreams was going to be my computer partner. I thought it was my big day. This would surely be the day that he would fall in love with me. We were sitting only inches from each other. I went to scratch my head and felt something in my hair. I pulled on it and suddenly heard a girlish squeal followed by a disgusted yell. It was a tick... I had thrown a tick onto my crush. 

He went to tell the teacher who sent us to the nurses office. I felt like I was going to die. The nurse had to check both of us for ticks. For the next several years he would call me Tick Girl. 

Sadly, Brad Paisley had not come out with his hit, "Ticks." 

Well that was fun, reflecting back on the most embarrassing day of my life.... I lived through it. 


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 2

Describe 3 legitimate fears and explain why you fear them..


1. I just realized today that I have a fear of my husband losing his job. In the last year my husband has shown up at home early twice unannounced. Each time I was hit in the gut with a terrible feeling. Just upon seeing his face after he opened the door, I knew that he had lost his job. I felt so overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious. I feared not being able to pay the bills or provide for the girls. His new job has him coming home at random times when they are not busy. When he walks in the door my heart and thoughts start racing. I know in my head that God is in control and that he has and will provide for us, but my flesh pulls me into a place of fear. 


2. Depression, anxiety, manic depression, and other mental illnesses run strong in my family as well as my husbands family. Since my oldest daughter is so much like me, I fear her possible struggle with mental illness. I remember the feeling of being in the deepest darkest place ever. Being only seven years old, we have already seen a few red flags such as her mentioning suicidal thoughts. I so want to take away any possible pain she may have. I know that it is my job to teach her to trust in God, to control her emotions and actions, and to communicate anything that might concern her. 


3. Spiders... they are creepy, they are quiet, they have eight legs, they are spiders.. Need I say more? Little spider or big spider it doesn't matter. They all scare me.