Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts

Sunday, June 3, 2012

30 Day Blog Challenge: Day 6


What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

There have been many difficult times in my life. My struggle with Bipolar, teen pregnancy, health issues, and friends betrayal. The most difficult though would have to be the separation from my husband. 

***To clarify ahead of time so nobody will be concerned, the things I am going to discuss have been resolved. We have had a healthy marriage for almost six years now. This passage, also, is not to bash my husband but to show what God has done in our lives since and to show what a drastic change both of us have made. I love my husband very dearly and could not be more proud of him, though I do complain from time to time.*** 

2007 was a year that was stained with my sins past and my husbands addiction. The anger from my prior infidelity had boiled up over the years and began to fester in his heart. At first he was just a little controlling. I would be asked where I was going and what I was doing. Slowly it turned into a state of isolation and complete control. I was not even allowed to go with my mom to the grocery store. He was very emotionally distant from our oldest daughter, Abbie. I would have to pay him to babysit her. I am very thankful that we were living with my brother and his wife. Even though they didn't know what was happening, it kept things from escalating and kept me from becoming completely isolated. 

When I went to stay with my mom for a week after she had a surgery, he moved out and left me in debt. I moved in with my parents at that point. We were separated for several months and he would not offer to help take care of Abbie. When we reconciled and he moved in with me I noticed that he was much more verbally cruel to me. I felt constantly attacked verbally and weak. I felt like a empty shell of myself. I wanted so much to be a good submissive wife, but at that time I didn't know that a submissive wife isn't a doormat. Someone had shown me a website with a verbal abuse quiz on it. As I sat at the dining room table reading it my eyes were opened. The pen in my hand checked off almost every box on the quiz. I was warned that often there is an escalation to violence if nothing is done, but I didn't care enough about myself to do anything about it. I continued to take it. I am very thankful that I was at my parents home during this terrible time.  

It was five thirty and I went to the store with my mom. To make things easier on the hubby, I put my daughter who had just turned three into her highchair to color and watch television. When we got back I asked him where she was. He told me that she was in bed for the night without dinner because she kept disobeying by breaking her crayons. I explained that you can't just leave a child alone in a highchair with crayons and not expect them to be broken. Trying to be submissive I just accepted her punishment and went on with my night. A few hours later, when he was in bed, I went to check on her. She had welts on her bottom from being spanked  hours prior. That was the point I decided to no longer accept the abuse. I didn't care if he hurt me, but I wasn't going to let him hurt my daughter. 

I sat down with him and had my parents there to mediate. I showed him the checklist and told him that he was abusive. I made a list of demands. He had to move out for at least six months. In that six months he had to get a job, get in counseling, get on medication, find a church, and financially provide for his daughter. He could not say or do one abusive thing, he couldn't see me, and he had to have his mother present if he wanted to see Abbie. If he did everything I asked then we would go to marital counseling for a period before deciding whether or not to reconcile.  

One night he put Abbie in bed and then didn't see or call her for over a month. This had a terrible affect on her. For several years she was afraid that her daddy would just leave if she went to sleep. Sometimes, she still sneaks into our room to check on him. 

I was extremely depressed, confused, and angry. I had felt lonely in a marriage for so long that being lonely by myself wasn't as difficult. I tried to focus on making myself a better person. I went back to school, got a job, made new friends, and became involved in church activities. I had assumed that since I was the main one taking care of Abbie, that being a single parent wouldn't be much more difficult. Unfortunately, I had a long time to realize that it is more difficult because you have to financially provide and there is no breaks. I am very thankful for the amazing support system God had in place for me then. 

I was looking through the poetry I wrote during our seperation... here are some passages:

Don't You See? (May 25, 2007)

Do you see me? Have you forgotten that I feel too? 
Do you see her? Her little cries missing you.

You don’t blame us for why you go,
But it is us you hurt when you don’t show.

You can hurt me, I am strong.
But with her is where you belong.

She doesn’t know why you aren’t here. 
To me your selfishness is very clear.

I’m glad you are enjoying your little break,
But letting you hurt my baby is my mistake.


Melting Away (February 1, 2008)
How dare you,
I am the snow in your heart.
You walked all over me as you watched me slowly disappear.
At one point I was pure and delicate,
I was beautiful. We were beautiful.

You trampled me into slush.
You stepped all over me.
You pissed on my purity while trying to mark your name on my life.
Your hot temper melted me,
I was beautiful but now I am ugly.

Will I ever be what I once was?
Can I regain what you took from me?
Why did you burn me like you did?
I don’t want to disappear anymore.
I was beautiful when you were ugly.

I blame myself for being blind.
I hate myself for still wanting you.
You made me weak and I began to believe your words.
I can’t heal if you are near me.
I am beautiful and you are ugly.

She too is as pure as snow.
I wont let you step on her.
I refuse to watch her disappear, melting into nothingness.
She is still delicate and happy.
She is beautiful. We are beautiful.



Dear Little One (February 15, 2008)


Thank you for loving me,

When I feel unloved.

Thank you for understanding me,

When I feel misunderstood.

Thank you for trusting me,

When I made you hero leave.

Thank you for smiling at me,

When I felt like crying.



I'm sorry I didn't protect you,

Before you got hurt.

I'm sorry you saw him hurt me,

Before saying goodbye.

I'm sorry I wasn't stronger,

Before he changed me.



I promise to love you,

When you feel unloved.

promise to understand you,

When you feel misunderstood.

I promise to be honest,

When you need the truth.

I promise to hug you,

When you feel like crying.




Why Goodbye (February 16, 2008)

You hurt me, leaving bruises on my soul,
Then dare to ask what’s wrong.

You trap me in my home, a cage with walls,
Then ask why I don’t get out.

You constantly lie to me and cheat on me,
Then ask why I don’t trust you.

You are killing me with each word you say,
Then wonder why my eyes cold.

You tear down my confidence in public,
Then tell me to smile.

You treat me like a hostage, not a wife,
Then wondered why Goodbye.

I will heal from the bruised soul,
That is why I said Goodbye.

I will not be a prisoner in my home,
That is why I said Goodbye.

I will learn to trust once again,
That is why I said Goodbye.

I someday will come back to life,
That is why I said Goodbye.

I will have my head held high,
That is why I said Goodbye.

I refuse to let you hurt her,
That is why.



At the end of the eight months, I had no interest in reconciliation. I was having an emotional affair with a friend. I had become extremely angry at my husband and wanted to be free. I also had a lot of fear that when we would get back together the abuse would just resume. My father, being a very wise man, told me that I needed to go to marital counseling so that my husband wouldn't use my bipolar to fight for custody and because for Abbie's sake we would need to be able to communicate. So we went back to counseling but I made my stance clear... I wanted a divorce and even had the papers written up. 

Through months at counseling God softened my heart towards my husband. Alvin had made so many great strides and wanted to heal our family. He was repentant. We took things slowly and began to date. I had asked the counselor how I could trust that he wouldn't be abusive. She assured me that since we had a clean break for such a long period of time supported by medication and counseling, we would be fine. I am so thankful that God gave us a strong Christian counselor who could speak the words I needed to hear. 


Looking back now, I can see how God used the time apart to help us both grow.It is almost as if our marriage really did end and an entirely new one appeared. Alvin is becoming a strong godly husband and father. I love him so much and can see drastic changes he has made. I find it amazing that the entire time, though I was going through great trials, God was there and had provided people to help me make it through. 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Psalm 46:10 
    He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; 
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

What has God brought you out of? What is the hardest thing you have gone through? Do you believe a person can change?

Monday, May 28, 2012

Making Good Impressions

As my husband sets down the phone my anxieties rise. I know what he is about to say and I know that there is not much time, or is there? My heart starts pounding and I start to contemplate all that needs to be done. Then he says it, "My dad is coming over and will be here in 30 mins to and hour." Ugh, the In-laws. 


Let me explain myself. My husbands parents are divorced and have been since he was a little boy. His father was remarried and now has five more children. His mother has three boys with his father and one after the divorce. I love my In-laws very much and enjoy spending time with them, the only part I don't like is the In-law part. I feel this enormous pressure to please and impress my In-laws. The pressure isn't assisted any by my husbands distance from them. He isn't as close with his parents as I am with mine or as I would like him to be. I so want them to feel welcome and at home with me and in my home. My husband really doesn't understand this concept. He always gets made when I make a mad dash around the house to clean. 


I know what each of them likes and I try to use their likes to make them feel welcome. When my MIL, Mother in law, comes over I turn on Whitney Huston or Celine Dion; she is a little easier to please. For my FIL I bake. A few years ago, when he came to the house, I was baking a cake. He mentioned how lucky Alvin was to have someone who makes delicious food for him and how it reminded him of how his moms house used to smell. Ever since I try to bake something when he comes over. I like to have something that makes him feel relaxed and happy when everything seems to be crazy.


My mom always had a way of making people feel at home in her home. When my aunt would come over, my mom would have her favorite candy. When a friend would come over, my mom would have their favorite game out. I always saw it as an amazing gift of love. 


1 John 4:7 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."


Last night things became a little more difficult when my hubby threw me a curve ball. When the FIL was here, my hubby decided to give something, that was given to me from my dad, to one of his little sisters. He told my FIL that I had said it was ok and that I haven't used it in a long time. I was trying so hard to be self-controlled and to not flip out and make my FIL uncomfortable. When I had a moment alone with my hubby, I tried to explain the position he put me in. How much the item meant to me and how it wasn't fair for him to give away something of mine when I am not even allowed to touch anything of his. I tried to encourage him to give away his item that he doesn't use either but he refused.


I don't know if I was more angry at his actual actions or if I was more mad at the fact that I was blind-sided and embarrassed. I am trying to learn how to let it go. I know that no item is worth the separation from my husband. I also know that I need to show my husband love just as much as I need to show his family. 


1 Peter 3:1-6 "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear."


I love writing. I started this blog angry and stressed and now I feel refreshed and clear headed. Thank you for listening to my ramblings. 


How do you feel around your In-laws? Do you clean up, like a mad woman, before company? How do you handle anger?

Friday, May 25, 2012

I guess I'm Disgusting and Unnatural

When responding to an open question on Cafemom about choosing to adopt outside of your race one woman wrote:

"No way!!!! sorry but i do not believe in inter racial anything. i was brought up that way and will bring my kids up that way. i think it is disgusting to mix races and unnatural. stick to your own kind, race and traditions. birds of a feather flock together...everyone discriminates in one form or the other it is human nature, survival of the fittest, classical conditioning."


This comment, along with many others on this post, broke my heart. I am not sure why I sometime am shocked at how things of this world are not pure and good. The idea that someone disagrees with me or finds my life choices to be "disgusting" and "unnatural" doesn't bother me quite as much as knowing that Abbie, Eb, and other beautiful biracial kids have to deal with it. Why is it that some adults are even meaner than children? 

It also saddens me that the person, who anonymously replied to the post, is living a cut off and bitter life. I have seen first hand how racism can dwell and fester in a person like an infection. I have also seen God take that same person, who almost eight years ago disowned me, and through His example of grace and love helped her grow. 

I pray that God will teach Abbie and Eb to pray for and have grace for those who hurt them as they grow older. 

John 13:34 "“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

1 John 2:9 "Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness."

Galatians 3:28 "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

Matthew 5:44-45 "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,  that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."