Thursday, June 4, 2015

Feeling Defeated

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I allowed myself to feel defeated. I allowed myself to be defined by my inabilities instead of my abilities. 

Flash back to earlier in the day.... 

The house is quieter than most days. Only the gentle patter of one child's footsteps could be heard. As Charlie played quietly I decided that it was the perfect time to work on school work. I cleaned off the table and stacked my books neatly in the upper left corner. My colored pens sat neatly on top of my purple spiral bound notebook. My computer set up on the classes website with a tab open to the e-textbook. I felt prepared and empowered to get work done. 

I spent the next several hours reading the chapter and taking notes in different colors to help me understand the material better. General information written in blue ink, vocabulary words in purple ink, and notes from the teacher's video links in pink ink. When Charlie would run into the room to get attention, I pulled her up on my lap and read over the teacher's power point in funny voices and having her repeat specific words. I felt that I was understanding the material and mastering it. I had a little more time until the older kids would return, would I dare start an quiz? Since Charlie was now asleep on the couch, I figured no time would be as perfect as now to do my quiz.

I opened the page and read over the questions then re-read over them. The first couple questions I answered with ease. Then the next page opened and the questions became much more complicated. It wasn't the material that had become confusing, but rather the wording. I kept reading the same question but when I would answer a purple box under them with "Incorrect" written in bold words appeared. When I read the correct answer and the reason I got it wrong, I felt stupid. "I should have known that", rang in my head. Each answer made me feel more defeated and the words began to go in and out of focus. My head became fuzzy and the screen began to seem too bright. Knowing I had a time limit I continued on, hoping that I could get my brain to focus and understand the words. The words came off the page and went into my brain but did not stick. I became frustrated. Finally, I finished the quiz. 

I began feeling nauseous and the sound of the hubby watching tv was booming. I felt dizzy and ill. The migraine was setting in and I hoped that taking my medicine would kick it before it got any worse. It didn't. We all packed up and went to fellowship with friends. One friend made some coffee for me and even after four small cups the migraine still remained. When we got home I felt emotionally disconnected from my family. 

I went into my room and took a second dose of my medicine. I opened up my ipad, turned down the screen brightness, and hopped onto Facebook. I tried to scroll down and read what was written, but my brain was so fried that I couldn't read anything. The words danced around and became blurry. I wasn't even able to read my own words. I grew angry and I threw myself a five minute pity party.  

It's not fair. I wish I could read like normal people, there is so much I would love to read but just can't. Why does it have to be such a battle each time? I wish I wasn't so stupid. I thought that the pity party would help, but instead it released so much deep pain. I fell into my pillow weeping. My head was in pain... my heart was in pain... my spirit was in pain. 
I cried out to God. "God if you wont take this from me, give em the strength to live with it and to do my best to glorify you through it. God your grace is sufficient. God I want to succeed so much." 

I want so much to succeed. I want so much to be a good example to Abbie and to my future students. I want to show them that they can do anything, but at this moment I didn't believe it myself. The weight of it all fell upon me. 

Unable to calm myself, I went out into the living room. The house was dark and quiet, thankfully all the girls were already asleep. I saw my hubby sitting on the couch and all I could mutter was, "I need a hug." He ran to wash the white cheddar dustings from his popcorn off of his fingers and sat down beside me. He held me as I wept some more. Then he asked what was wrong. I tried to articulate my feelings over the sobbing. "I wish I was normal," I cried. "If you were normal you would get on my nerves." he responded. I was confused. "What do you mean?" I questioned. Then he said the best thing anyone could have said to me. He said, "Obviously, I am not attracted to normal." His words made me chuckle. He loves me just as I am. 

He sent me back to bed to get some rest. As I lay in my dark room with an ice bag on my head waiting for the medicine to kicking in, I listened to worship music and forced myself to praise. My eyes closed and the notes of the music danced around, like a fairy skipping along a pond. With each tap of her toe upon the water, vivid colors expand into rings. Though I was listening to music it is like watching a clip from fantasia. I was tired, my eyes were tired, my brain was tired. Tears still falling from my eyes as I fell into a calm sleep. 

Last night I cried myself to sleep. Normally I can handle my struggles without becoming emotionally involved, but last night I allowed myself to feel defeated and defined by my inabilities rather than my abilities. 

We all have something that we face and we struggle with. Most of the time it may seem we are winning the battle, but sometimes we face defeat. If you are in that place, it is ok. Don't allow yourself to be defined by the very things you struggle with, but rather by the times God has granted you the strength to overcome them. Fall into His arms and let him carry you into a place of peace. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."