Monday, December 1, 2014
So many of you know me, but don't know that I have battled with loneliness since I was a small child. This might be confusing to many who read this because I am extremely extroverted. I am the person who can walk into a crowded room of strangers and less than an hour later know many of them personally. I have tried to protect myself from the dark grasps of loneliness with walls of social encounters. I place these walls up from those I socialize with to keep them from seeing how I fear they will not be able to accept. Even in a crowded room of friends I feel completely alone.
Ever since I was a child I had this thought that nagged at me. The thought would tear me down and diminish my worth and make it impossible to be vulnerable. The thought whispers to my heart, "No body wants you around, they are just acting nice because they are kind but you are just a tag-along." In that moment I am brought back to being the little sister who follows her big brothers and their friends.
I remember my mom staying up with me at night and praying with me that God would provide friends for me. For years I had thought that I was the most unpopular kid at school but I was rarely teased and bullied. Looking back I see how blessed I was to have people consider me their friend.
The very castle I have built to protect me has become a fortress of solitude. It keeps me from connecting with others and the walls keep people who care so deeply for me at a distance. It allows them to share their struggles and vulnerabilities with me, but I keep mine locked up until I have dealt with them enough to share with others. I am living the life of the lonely extrovert.