Friday, June 8, 2012

When Your Heart Stops

I walked into the room filled with joy and excitement. I sat down on the bed next to my love and I saw it. My heart immediately stopped. I could feel my chest tighten and my eyes were flushed with salty tears of pain, anger, and disappointment. When my heart began to beat again I could feel it sink into my stomach. Even though the image was only on the screen for a second before he was able to close it, it felt like minutes. I was able to have an entire dialog with myself as the thoughts flowed from my soul, but I wasn't able to get the lump in my throat up enough to push out the words I so wanted to say. I took a very focused breath and asked what I needed to ask. He seemed extremely defensive in his assurances that it was only a pop-up from a blog. 


God must have given me His peace, because I only asked to see the blog that it pops up on. Upon viewing the blog several times there was no pop-up. I had asked to see his history in as much of a calm and nonjudgemental fashion I could muster. The settings were in such a way that it doesn't record them. He continued to try to assure me, which only led me to assume the opposite. I felt myself not knowing whether to yell, fight, or cry. Again, God gave me His peace. God's peace doesn't mean you don't always feel the pain, but it does mean you are able to face the pain in a more controlled fashion and less influenced by inner emotional toil.  I left the room to contemplate the situation. 


I write this, not to bash my love but to allow God a chance to speak to my heart and to yours. Sometimes, being a wise Christian means separating your soul from your spirit. My heart is flesh and will deceive me. Whereas, my spirit is in communion with the Holy Spirit, who has the ultimate wisdom. 


My heart wants to know if he was speaking the truth. My heart wants to make him feel pain for the pain he causes me. My heart feels defeated and overwhelmed, but my spirit wants to grow and wants to crawl into my Father God's loving arms, pouring our my tears and frustrations. My spirit needs to see the Truth, so that I can defend myself and my family against the father of lies. 


The truth: 
We all have sins and addictions that pull us and tempts us. These things pull us away from our family, our friends, and from our God. Whether or not he was giving into his addiction is ultimately between him and God. I need to be in prayer for him as the Devil is on the prowl and is trying to attack my love. 


I am no more righteous than my love. I am no more worthy of God's forgiveness and love than my love is.  


Satan would love for the situation to distract me from God's work in my life, from the relationship I am building up with my love, and from praising God. I will praise God because He is worthy. Because God has given me victory over Satan. Because God can turn all things to good. 


My focus is not supposed to be on whether or not I can trust my love or anyone else that I makes myself vulnerable to. My focus is to be on God. He is the one I can trust at all times. He can heal my heart from the pain. 


Where to go from here: 
I need to pray. I need to pray that I may be able to show my love God's love, forgiveness, and grace. I need to pray that I do not allow things to come between my walk with God. I need to pray that God protects my love's heart and helps him become strong spiritual headship. I need to pray that my love can find fellow Christian men that can love and support him. I need to pray that God protects all the marriages around us. 


I need to praise. I need to sing it out. I need to shout the amazing love and glory of God until my heart believes my spirit. 


I need to claim the victory that Jesus has given us. 


1 Peter 5:8 "Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."


Romans 8:26 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."


2 Timothy 1:7 "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline."


Isaiah 41:13 
"For I am the Lord your God
    who takes hold of your right hand 
and says to you, Do not fear;
    I will help you."


Psalm 46:1-3 
"God is our refuge and strength, 
    an ever-present help in trouble. 
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way 
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, 
though its waters roar and foam 
    and the mountains quake with their surging."

Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

1 Peter 3:1 "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,"

What can God help you overcome? Do you put your trust in man or in God? What do you need prayer for? 



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